Cheers to Free Pizza Jack

When was the last time you didn't do something that you REALLY wanted to do, just because it was socially unacceptable?

When was the last time you didn't tell someone off, just because you were being sensitive?

When was the last time you crashed an event, just to skulk around the refreshment table?

I just had a conversation with my cube neighbor, Mark, about another coworker -- let's call him Free Pizza Jack -- who always shows up as a "company representative" at our customer events, because there is free food. Granted, this guy is one of the people at our company who could discuss what we do in grandiose detail. But does he say a word at these events? NOPE! Does he approach a single one of our customers to see how they're doing? NYET! Does he do a SINGLE GODDAMN THING to earn his free pizza? Again, a resounding no.

He just walks in to the event while everyone is milling around, strolls right up to the open pizza boxes, grabs slice after slice and stands by the table until he is full. Sometimes he asks if there is free soda. And then he leaves.

Today, Mark was really irritated with Jack. Just the thought of him pissed him off. "What right does he have," hasked, "to go in there and take something for nothing?"

Mark had a point there. After all, he is the person who has to organize these events, guestimate within a few people how much pizza to order, and then make happy happy with the customers, no matter what mood he is in. Even then he doesn't always get to eat any.

I was in enough of my own snit to jump all over someone like Free Pizza Jack, when I realized at the last second that -- you know what? -- good for him. Really! Good for him! I thought about my own sour mood and the fact that if I had even one of the monsterous balls that Jack had, I wouldn't be in the crap mood to begin with. Instead, I would have told the person who is irritating me exactly why they were so annoying, and then moved on with the rest of my day without another thought about said frustrating situation.

But did I?

Nope.

So today I am all about honoring people like Free Pizza Jack. They seem horribly gauche at best, breathtakingly selfish at worst.

But who cares?

Maybe we get so exasperated with them because they do what we desperately want to do, but for whatever reason, won't. So three cheers for the brazen folks who dare to put it all out there, even when social norms wag their fingers at them. Free Pizza Jack takes first place today, but I'd like to acknowledge some folks who deserve honorable mention:

• My coworker Steph: She stood in the hallway and said to me in one breath (rather loudly, I might add): "It's three o'clock and I haven't done shit for work today and I just spent two hours in Jeff's office and talked about absolutely nothing having to do with anything productive and I can't make myself care today for some reason and ooops there's my phone I guess I'll go answer it and do eight seconds of work while I tell the person to shove off and just wait here I'll be right back and you can finish your story."
  
  Rock on, Steph. You just validated Reagan, whom I know has spent the last 3 hours in his office reading ESPN.com. And Peter, who has been downloading illegal music all morning. And Thomas, who works 10 hours a day but takes 27 cigarette breaks an hour. +8.3 points.
  
  
• Crazy Pie Guy: This dude takes "think global, act local" to a whole new level. He appears at town meetings when he knows a particular representative will discuss an issue he feels passionately about, then rush the stage with a cream pie, smash it in the rep's face, and run out of the room.
  
  It's illegal, it's impolite, and I totally love it. +9.8 points. -0.2 for not yet being aired on CNN.
  
  
• Snotty Boston Bodyguard and his Hummer: It's sort of a copycat of Crazy Pie Guy, but I doubt anyone who owns a Hummer and buys Starbucks on Beacon Hill in Boston keeps tabs on local Maine politics, so he gets mentioned anyway. He came back to his SUV to find a metermaid writing out a ticket. They exchanged words. He got a ticket anyway. The metermaid got a whole face full of Peppermint Mocha.
  
  I can't figure out why metermaids don't outnumber dentists for the highest rate of suicide in a profession. It's a miserable job. The better you are at it, the more people hate you. But still, I have yet to meet a pleasant one. A proctologist is nice to you before he probes you up the butt -- can't a metermaid soften the punishment with a smile? +7.5 points. -1.5 for burning the metermaid. +.2 for owning a Hummer, which is a giant "fuck off, I hate the environment" in and of itself.
  
  
• Mrs. Ruth Tilde: This lady was about 85 years old when I was in college. She was a student there a million years ago, but continued to live nearby and appear, year after year, at catered events on campus. She was friendly to everyone, even though no one wanted to get stuck talking with her for very long. She'd schmooze the room, then head right for the buffet, where she'd PULL OUT ZIPLOCK BAGS to fill and stick back in her purse before she left for the evening.
  
  +7.3 overall. +.2 for doing it even though she must have known that she's a cliche.