Unemployment stasis

So you won't believe the day I've had. I just looked at the clock and thought, holy crap. I can not believe it. I spent from 10:20 am until 7:24 pm ONLINE SHOPPING FOR A BOOKCASE.

It looks like the unemployment office searched my apartment for copies of the resumes I said I’ve sent out. It's a wreck. I've been measuring walls and cutting out templates of how much floor space these bookcases will take up and then putting objects on the templates to get some scale. I mean, I can eyeball it, but do I really know how many books will fit on it for sure? Nope! So I have pieces of paper all over my floor -- some whole pieces taped together in the shape of a book case, and some stray shreds that were casualties of my clippings. I have random things like wine bottles and glasses and books and pottery on top of the templates. And you'd think I was Einstein in the middle of figuring out E=mc2, the way I have strewn clothes and dishes everywhere in my passionate pursuit of measuring and imagining.

I SPENT NINE HOURS DOING THIS.

The only thing that made me come up for air to write this was the fact that I have to go to the bathroom. I realized that 2 hours ago, but I'm still online, mouth open and eyes glazed over, searching desperately on google, getting annoyed at every stupid web site that claims they have extra tall book cases, when, in fact, they are not extra tall. Or they are extra tall, but the company is based in the UK. I'm angry at Pottery Barn for having cool things that are too expensive and at Crate and Barrel for having shelves that are almost but not quite right. And I didn't know that your butt could fall asleep just by sitting down for nine hours without getting up.

Oh, fine. I did get up today. At some point. I just can't remember when it was or why I did it.

Let me see… I woke up at 9:20 and had such sparkling intentions. I put on clothes and walked down the street to get some milk. I was in a great mood!

It should be illegal to have that much fun at CVS.

I signed up for an extra-awards card so that everything there is cheaper. And get this -- the card works at all CVS stores! Aren't they all over New England? Very proud of myself for being such a savvy consumer, I strolled through the grocery section, selecting milk and leisurely looking at the labels of Progresso Soup and Pringles. I enjoyed the jazz-ish muzak playing over the speakers. I bought a new pillow. And a 12-pack of diet coke on sale for 2.99!!

I mean, today started with such potential.

Then I got home and had a bowl of Go-Lean Crunch, a new health food cereal that has EIGHT GRAMS of fiber per serving! That's, like, a lot of fiber. And fiber is really good for you. I went online to find out more about the Go-Lean diet and how I could slim down just by eating cereal. I'm not totally down with it, the plan they have. It adds up to 51g of fat per day, and that seems like way too much. But even though their diet seemed bogus, I have to admit that one bowl of their cereal kept me full until 3:30, when I finally had lunch. Of course, maybe I'm giving the cereal too much credit. It could just be that I sat ass at my computer all day, not burning any calories at all.

Unemployment stasis, if you will.

I really don't know what came over me. I had such high hopes for the day. I was going to write a proposal for a potential client, and basically tell him how much money he had to give me to design a web site. But did I do it? Nooooooo. What is my problem??? Have I really become so lethargic that I won't even do things that are guaranteed to pay me? At this point I have the sinking feeling that if I were a lab rat, I'd be too lazy to even push the lever that gives me food.

In my defense, I do recall a rally from around 1:30-2:45, when I hopped on Boston.com to check out if there were any new marketing jobs listed. There were. I'm considering applying to some of them. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Anyway, have a great night. I meant to write sooner, but, well, heh heh. You understand.

Unemployment paradise

Long and rambling, because I have the time.

So here was my day.

6:30 a.m.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning at Dude-I’m-Dating’s house, when his alarm went off and he had to get out of bed to go defend our country along with the rest of the Navy. I thought about getting up, making coffee, turning on my computer and working on one of the freelance projects I have going on or perhaps starting on the creative venture of my lifetime, my Great American Novel. But the covers were warm and the air was cold so I used my high-scoring SAT intellect to deduce that I should really just go back to sleep.

8:30 a.m.
I woke up at 8:30, sun streaming through the window, water melting off the roof and, I am so not kidding, BIRDS CHIRPING in the trees outside. They have those here in the country. I realized it was the warmest day we've had in about twenty-five months, and I thought about putting on my running sneakers and trekking through the fields and farms that surround Dude-I’m-Dating's quaint country home. I would pretend to be that Nike woman, running stoically through rugged terrain, being serene, being strong, being a hero. I would use the time to tone my body and meditate on one of the freelance projects I have going on or perhaps start planning out the creative venture of my lifetime, my Great American Novel.

But even though it was warm outside, it was still warmer under the covers and, besides, it would help inspire my creativity if I could start the day by absorbing the fruits of someone elses' work of art, so I picked up the last of the epic science fiction series I have been reading and searched for my muses among the Nafari, ancestors of the ancient peoples from Planet Harmony.

10:30 a.m.
I woke up again at 10:30, not realizing that I had fallen asleep somewhere around the time that bGo and his otherself, Bego, both among the third sentient species on earth 40 million years from now, were engaged in some very important conversation that would save the universe. If I had found my muse while doing my morning reading exercises, I had forgotten about them during my very creative and insightful dream, something about a goat and some chopsticks. I decided to get out of bed, pleased with myself that I had taken the time for some very healing and restful sleep. Sleep is really healthy for you, you know.

10:35 a.m.
At 10:35 I stumbled down the stairs and ate breakfast, two scrambled eggs and salsa. I felt very international, like I could maybe move to South America for a while to help inspire ideas for my Great American Novel. Dude-I’m-Dating called, interrupting his busy day defending our country. I thought twice about asking him if he was being all he could be and if he had done more than I had before 8:00 in the morning. I didn't want to rub it in that he was totally missing out on unemployment, the better end of the deal if you were going to get paid by the US Government.

12:30 p.m.
At 12:30 Dude-I’m-Dating came home and I spent the hours before his arrival showering, getting dressed and trying to figure out which of his six remote controls would turn on the satellite radio station that I like the best. In the process, I figured out how to turn on his big screen TV, accessed the channel guide and discovered that he had 820 stations. At my house I get seven stations, and only one comes in with good reception. That would be the Spanish channel. So before I realized what I was doing, I was sitting on the couch watching Roseanne when he drove into the driveway.

I had found the presence of mind during one of the earlier commercial breaks to know that I should brush my teeth before he got home. So as soon as I saw his car, I bounded up the stairs and brushed quickly before flinging myself back down the stairs to look as though I was totally on top of body hygiene and not affected at all by being unemployed.

When he walked into the house, decked out in his US government issued flight suit, all I could muster for words was "one million channels." He smiled lovingly, patted my head and declared proudly, "unemployment paradise." We ate lunch together and took a nap so that he could rest up before his big evening flight, when he would practice life-saving maneuvers in the helicopter that he will one day use to rescue someone off the side of a mountain. I got up a few minutes earlier than he did to make him coffee so that he would be alert during his evening drills.

2:15 p.m.
At 2:15 I filled up his travel coffee mug, screwed on the top and kissed him good bye. I tried again to turn on the satellite radio, but instead found a reality- redesign- your- house- while- you- were- out show. I decided to watch it for a little while because I figured it would be good to watch some people doing creative projects, and they would help inspire me to excel at one of the freelance projects I have going on or perhaps get me in the mood to start on the creative venture of my lifetime, my Great American Novel.

The show host was an obnoxious and not- even- perky- woman wearing an outfit that she did not want to get dirty by doing projects. The designer was a total flamer who wore orange and did all the work while the host tried to be a cool fag hag by making sarcastic comments.

The resulting room was a hideous creation that consisted of a canopy bed and a chair rail with feathers sticking out of it. Watching an hour of faux finishing tacky night stands, etc. etc., sucked all the creative energy from me, so I decided to watch Dead Man Walking to stir up some meaningful inspiration that I knew only a Hollywood production could deliver.

4:00 p.m.
At 4:00 I decided that watching Susan Sarandon without makeup and Sean Penn behind bars was not providing the inspiration that I needed. The sun started ducking down behind the trees and the glare moved off of my laptop, so I resolved once and for all to find the satellite radio station that I liked and check my email.

So I did.

And it's just after 4:00 now.

And I think I'll start on one of my freelance projects. But I just got an email from someone, so I'll just read that first....